{ferina a.}
Born and raised by queens.
Composition: sea foam + stardust
Photographer. Ninja assassin.
Alchemist. Writer. Mermaid.

18.1833° N, 120.5833° E ||
04.26.87. Pluviophile.

next

DEAR KAYCEE,

As I am writing this, I am at the cafeteria eating a slice of wheat bread with raspberry jam, goat cheese, and sardines that I have microwaved not thinking of how it’s gonna taste like. I guess that’s how I really am. I don’t really care how things turn out as long as I try what interests me. And it tastes bad… but at least now I know!
Right now I am sitting in a cafeteria feeling like I am actually one of the nurses in the Lung Department of Ullevål Sykehus. It’s one of the biggest hospitals in Oslo. And I am here in my scrub pants, sneakers. long sleeves and layered on with my graphic tshirt. I am glad to be here. How I wish I am also one of the nurses but I am only on training. I was sent here to learn how to manipulate some the apparatuses and equipments my patient will need as her disease progresses. Unfortunately she has a rare disease which is creeping throughout her entire body. I have to get enough training here at the hospital so I can carry on with the responsibilities in the comfort of her home. I think it’s rad, contrary to how morbid it’s turning out. I should be sad.
Never in my wildest dreams did I know that I’d be sent here. Just a brief moment, but Ullevål is like the Hogwarts of hospitals on Oslo. And yes, there are many blue-eyed nurses as well that I think you’d fancy. 
Anyways, SPAIN was a blast. I cannot even begin to explain how it is to be in a country that is vastly rich in architecture. It was sensory overload. It makes you realize the wonders that mankind has created; building architectural pieces out from one brick or a spat of wet concrete. It’s unbelievable. Somehow as we combed through the wondrous streets of Barcelona, it gives me the feeling that I have been there so many times. It’s because Spain looks like Manila… somewhat. Especially in España. People also dress like Filipinos. Tsinelas, shorts, and laid-back everything. But what truly amazes me are the churches. It makes the most respected churches in the Philippines look so miniscule. Catholicism is indeed everywhere. Other than that, I believe I was overwhelmed to the brim with Spanish food. It consists mostly of seafood and the like.
After my trip to Spain, I flew straight to Tromsø, Norway. It’s in the northern part of the country. I went there to visit Kriza and Jed, but actually went there to visit someone I have been chatting with for a month now. His name is Von. And he turns out to be the most comic guy I have ever met, and I enjoyed his company. 
I am thrilled that you are in Riyadh now! I am sorry I couldn’t give you a due reply. I wanted to answer your message in a situation where I am not forced to let out words just because… I am happy for you. Profusely. Military nursing sounds badass. I know this might be somewhat familiar and new to you both at the same time. NEW environment, new people, new everything, same place. But you have to know that one thing that doesn’t change is yourself. Always carry on and pick up from where you last left off. I know you are very passionate about what you do. Make sure to do it with care. I think that’s the heart of our profession. It becomes dragging and obligatory if you do it without a care. Anyways, let me know how it goes. 
One more thing. I have gained so much weight now. I didn’t expect this so I am a little bit down. You know how staying healthy and fit is so important to me. But then again, there are more important things to be concerned about now that I am getting older and more mature. I am three years away from being 30 years old. I am not yet married. I am single. And I am eating a funny-tasting bread. I feel like I am aging every second that I am on my graveyard shift. Now I compulsively shop cosmetics every time I’m on my way home hoping I could slow things a little bit… aging I mean.
But anyways… I have had so much blessings that I can’t complain. I wish I could share every second with all of you. It feels unfair that I can’t. I love you guys with all my heart. It’s never the same now. But I know that when I see you guys again, I’d still be the same ME. 
Always,
Yan
PS- I am joining the OSLO marathon tomorrow with 25,000 more people. I wish my lard-ass all the luck to carry on. It’s been too long since. GOD bless my lard-ass. 
"Wait for someone who bumps mouths clumsily with yours cos they’re too busy smiling to kiss you properly. Yeah. Wait for that."
Azra Tabassum  

No Drawbacks in Drøbak

imageimageimageimageimageimageimageimageimageimageimageimageimageimageimageimageimageimageimageimageimageimageimageimageimageimageimageimageimageimageimageimageimageimageimageimageimageimageimageimageimageimageimageimageimageimageimageimageimageimageimageimageimageimageimageimageimageimageimageimageimageimageimageimageimageimage

The Lost Havfrue in Scandinavia

Suddenly, I miss childhood.

A vivid sensation of the smell of an aquarium and the cold stingy glass pressed against my nose flooded my brain. I remember the blurred and murky water behind the thick glass, the overhead lamp making the fat-bellied gold fishes visible, and the uneaten pellets aimlessly floating atop. I was one with the fishes and the plastic seeweeds (at least pretending to be). These were childhood memories I never even thought had hung around in the depths of what was tucked and forgotten. Now I am remembering every detail like a light that has been switched on.

I had those silly imaginations where I shrunk and dove into the aquarium. I wanted to swim into its slimy, algae-riddled water, and throw myself onto its bed of pebbles and watch it explode in midwater and fall back down slow-mo until I am all buried in it. I was in love with the ocean in whatever form it took. I have wanted to become a Mermaid since then—a silly dream that lingered as far as I can remember. I wanted to live in the ocean where there is absolutely no boundaries. Its depth and vastness used to haunt me as a child, but as much as its mystery gave me chills down my spine, I wanted to surrender to its perils or maybe the absence thereof in its tranquility. To be a mermaid was a ludicrous dream, yet I held onto it as if it was the only thing that ever mattered in this life. I still feel that same throbbing LUST when I see the ocean, so much that I have convinced myself that I was indeed a mermaid from a life before this.

Now as I write this little note down, I am actually at work. Graveyard shift causes survival hormones to send jolts of electricity to my brain, hence the flood of thoughts. Or maybe this is my way of wasting the hours til I am bound home and, finally call it a day. Because now I realized that this is REALITY. There’s no such thing as magically turning into a mermaid and returning home to friends and family who reside in the abyss off the Marianas Trench. There is only me now worrying about every minute where one thing could go culpably wrong and praying that everything will be alright. Someone is under my care and supervision, and this is now my job. I’m not exactly charmed about it but it isn’t grim as well. Undaunted despite of this not being my comfort zone, but what scares me actually draws me close even more.

Everything that I chose to be now is downright the opposite of the magical creature I wanted to be. Life is as real as a knife slitting through my skin. Don’t get me wrong. I am where I wanted to be. It takes an intestinal fortitude to face life realistically, they say. Because at the end of the day, no other sh-t can pay the bills than what you earn for a living. Being a magical creature cannot buy you a bottle of Ginger shampoo from the most rip-off french cosmetic shop. And definitely, the ocean is not a livable niche for a two-legged woman like me.

But does this mean everyone of us should stop dreaming and let reality bore us to death? Not with me. I have made an ingenious map of my behavioral pattern… relating my surrealistic ideals as a child to my adulthood ambitions. Maybe just like my young self, I am drawn into unliveable niches in life. I find an ocean with zero chance of survival so luring that I like swimming through its perils. Maybe being safe and comfortable, doesn’t make me feel safe and comfortable. I feel like I know nothing about my new role. In fact, I am terrified. In fact, mortified. But just like the young version of me who wished to become a mermaid and pretended to be one, I lived through life with that redundant thought and it became my reality. Maybe this play pretend, this repetitive make-believe that I have the guts to make it through unliveable niches eventually becomes the palpable truth.

I have packed my bags and left a place that was my home for 27 years. I am lost in translation in Scandinavia. I have the faintest idea how life is gonna be from hereon.

But I am a mermaid. And I can f*ckin do this.

"It gets harder everyday to be happy with someone else, when I am already happy by myself."

The city winks a sleepless eye.

imageimageimageimageimageimageimageimageimageimageimageimageimageimageimageimageimageimageimageimage

Been stuffin’ me self to the brim

20.07.14 {Someone}

At the end of the day, I just want someone to walk me home, clench my hands in his warm pockets, and never let them go. 

That even if we have nothing exciting to say, that even if it gets repetitively mundane… he knows that we can’t last a day without each other.

Flowers and chocolates are not obligatory. 

You know, just someone who’d love me honestly and completely. Who’d look beyond my flaws.

Someone who’d stick around hrough my shitty-ness and hormonally imbalanced days. Not necessarily forever but forever is allowed in my vocabulary. 

Til then, I’m gonna curl up here and feel queasy about that corny little blog I just impulsively wrote… like an armadillo. 

Don’t be another. Be another original.

Among all things, I think pizza is an indulgence. Today, I had my second chance at eating at Pepe’s Pizza here in Oslo which I somehow never felt guilty for. The past few days have been a marathon of multigrain cereals, multigrain crackers, and multigrain shit everything. I ate away all the stress and sadness and somehow relived what once was an enthusiastic version of myself. I enjoyed our shrimp pizza with garlic sauce and found a piece of heaven on earth with the 1 ½ slices I devoured, indeed. Thank you for the treat, Ate Hesa. On our first month of salary, I swear I’m gonna do just the same for you. AND AGAIN, at Pepe’s Pizza where we could also ogle the cute waiters? Just kidding. 

imageimage

Lovin’ my new bag so much. I just had to snatch it off the H&M rack. 

image

Mai Quel smiling at whoever he was talking to. Lovebug I suppose? 

imageimageimage

Three hungry people at Karl Johan’s Gate.

imageimageimage

Oh you one dirty bastard, you! I just wanna eat you all up.

imageimageimageimageimage

Our favorite hvitløk saus (meaning garlic sauce) of all time!

image

Ta med! = Take out! There are so many uttryker (expressions) I gotta get used to.

imageimage

Meanwhile at Aker Brygge, there’s another branch I really think has also an eye-catchig interior.

imageimageimageimageimage

Im coming back again for another indulgence. :) Fo sho.

Hallo, velkommen til Oslo!

Starting my life here is like starting from null. But I am excited about meeting new faces, learning the language, embracing the culture, doing my A-game in my new job, and building friendships. It gets harder before it gets better they say… but I am built for this. I know I can make it through in my new home, Oslo. This is where I start discovering Europe… and the rest of the world. Motivations, motivations! The man upstairs will always be there to love and guide. :) I owe this to Him.

imageimageimageimageimageimageimageimageimageimageimageimageimageimageimageimageimage

imageimageimageimageimageimageimageimageimageimageimageimageimageimageimageimageimageimage

imageimageimageimageimageimage

imageimage

imageimageimageimageimageimage

Pictures are from Karl Johans’ Gate, Brugata, and the Norwegian Royal Palace.

Stuff yo face

image

image

image

Oct-Nov eats + gastro highlights

"Confidence is being able to say “Fuck you, I’m the shit” without opening your mouth, say it with your walk, with your smile, say it with your entire being."
Tati-Ana Mercedes (via strawberrytelle)

The lying reflections

image

This is my underwear blog entry. 

theme